Freaking Friday

Here’s what’s new with me.

 

Went to the doctor today and was able to procure referrals, not only for my shoulder (YAY!!!) but also for the following:

 

Dermatology to check my pale skin for cancer (long overdue since my last check), blood work for my thyroid (done right after the appt.), an unexpected chest x-ray (I’ll explain in a minute; done immediately after the blood draw), and an also overdue colonoscopy (can’t tell how thrilled I am about that one).

 

Back to the chest x-ray. It appears that I have lost some weight since the last time I went to the doctor, which, coincidentally, is the last time I was weighed. I have lost 1/10th of my body mass sometime since Toni passed away. I am currently at the lowest possible BMI that’s still “acceptable”. Because I haven’t weighed myself, neither I nor the doctor can say if it was over a short period right after Toni and I never gained it back, just a gradual thing (due to poor eating habits, which is where I laying my bet), or a recent development which combined with my smoking [more] raises a suspicion of lung cancer (also that’s what my dad died from along with emphysema). Hence the chest x-ray to rule it out.

 

I’m not really worried about the cancer (plenty of time for that after the x-ray results), but the weight loss is an eye-opener. So why am eating like crap? Because I don’t want to go to the store! I don’t want to go anywhere! I don’t want to go outside! Did you all see the picture of Galahad and Hercules? Did you notice how tall the grass was? That’s not some field he’s in; that’s my back yard.

 

Now before y’all get some kinda intervention started, a lot of this has to do with why I went to the doc in the first place: my shoulder. I have to be really careful with how I move. I still have all kinds of strength in my arm, but my range of motion is severely limited. Then of course there’s the whole lack of sleep thing associated with it that drains a lot of my will.

 

But here’s one more thing that had me (and at least one other person—you know who you are) concerned about taking the summer off work. Infinity Gauntlet has been out for over a month now and I still haven’t seen it. Because I still need to see the last three movies that came out before it. Well the thing is, I bought all of them (one at a time, as soon as they became available). They are on the TV stand: I am looking at them right now. So why haven’t I watched them? Maybe because if I do, I won’t have an excuse not to go to the movies...?

 

Similarly, Memorial weekend I could have gone to see an old friend in concert (still on my to do list for later this summer; (again, you know who you are) in a town where I have relatives (you would know who you were if I told where the concert was) I haven’t seen since my dad died (24 years for those of you keeping score) and the plan was to get together, either before or after, and everyone has a great time. Never called anyone. Didn’t happen.

 

I’m still hopeful about the summer. And maybe some downtime is in order. I can’t tell you how much energy it took to just “be me” at work. I did need a break. And I’m not *worried* about my mental state. But I am on a higher state of alertness about it. 

 

One thing is for sure: I am going to be eating better. I went to the store right after all the doctor stuff and stocked up a bit. So I *can* do it. I just don’t want to.

 

Last thing. After the store, I went to the township office to pay my slightly overdue water bill. While I was there, I also wanted to ask about a notice I got from Wayne County telling me I was delinquent on my property taxes. Those used to come out of an escrow account through the mortgage (ha ha, autocomplete wanted to say Morty), but after I paid off the house I was sure my payments were up to date. Well sure enough in the transition period I managed to miss one. Good to know. In a way I’m happier this way. I really didn’t want to go through the hassle of trying to prove to the county that I paid my taxes on time to the township. The bureaucratic nightmare that would bring on boggles the mind. Just the same, it’s nice to know the government can take your entire homestead away for failing to pay 1/200th of its total market value. Oh wait, they use the taxable value: 1/75th. Or is it the state equalized value? 1/90th. Anyway you slice it, they stand to make a lot of bread. (Get it: slice, bread?) So be forewarned, don’t loaf around with getting them their dough (I’m killing myself here!). Huh, all of a sudden I feel like getting toasted.

 

All in all a very productive day. I feel pretty good about it. Have a great weekend!

A Day Late: My Easter Message

Copied from my Facebook page.

Here it is. The triple threat Sunday I have been looking forward to/dreading for a year now. It’s Easter. It’s April Fool’s Day. It’s the first anniversary of the worst day of my life. How do I feel? How should I feel? Do I feel?

Today we celebrate Christ coming back from the dead. I can’t say I did anything as dramatic, but I can say I have come back from the death of my one true love Toni. Although my return looks less like Jesus (on the left from Revelation Chapter 1) and more like the reanimated zombie (on the right). I have put most of my life on hold for the past year to give my feelings a chance to sort themselves out and function a lot on autopilot. I still have my optimism about the future, but not my zeal. I don’t feel sad today. In many ways it’s just another Sunday (you know, that day before Monday). The sun is shining and the birds are singing. Life (for some of us) still goes on. It’s like a cancellation effect: the good and beautiful are negating the bad and ugly, and I am somewhere in the middle. 

One of the reasons I am even writing this post is because I believe you are expecting me to, although I think it’s more like you would be surprised if I didn’t write something; I’m not sitting here thinking you’re staring at your screens just waiting to hit your like button.

But I am also writing this to say something I have said many times before. One of the main reasons, if not THE main reason, I have made as much progress as I have is because of your very constant and very loving support. I don’t know where I would be without all of you out there, sending me your love, praying for me, encouraging me, and of course laughing (or pretending to laugh) at all my silly stuff.

Now will I wake up tomorrow and be all invigorated with the prospects of a life renewed? I doubt that. But even as I miss Toni as much today as when she first left me—left us—I have also gotten used to my life alone. To a point. Becoming accustomed to a new way of life is not the same as enjoying it. Moving forward, I will continue to repair myself and I hope you still take an active role in that. I will expect every day to be better than the last with a lot of setbacks mixed in. I will continue to update my progress with you. And I hope to be as good a friend to each of you as you have been to me.

Enjoy your holiday.

Easter Eggs, Deviled Eggs, or Rotten Eggs; Be a Good Eggs and Decide for Yourself

Often when I look for funny things on the internet, one thing leads to another (which is usually a good thing for me because it opens new opportunities to find other funny things). I usually don’t document these journeys because 1) they often lead to places that are decidedly unfunny and 2) the search itself isn’t that funny; it can be downright boring. Today I’m going to depart from that norm just a little and peel back the curtain a little on the “work” I do to make the world a happier place. Come dive with me into the Rabbit Hole with me and see if we can discover some Easter Eggs.

Phase One

It started out with a simple idea. I thought I would do a bit on the Nordstrom Rack chain. You know, find a suitable picture of a medieval rack that I could twist into patrons picking out what victim they wanted to buy. (Really, Peter? That’s pretty dark. I’d hate to see what you consider “decidedly unfunny…”)

 “Could I get one in Extra Long?”

This search provided me with the following.

 The one on the left provides us with the grim historical context as well as reminding us of the potential penalty of violating copyright laws; the one on the right lets us know that the Rack is still relevant in today’s world…at an affordable price (full size models are considerably more expensive: now you know what I mean when I say decidedly unfunny.)

Other tangents led me to things I didn’t know were called “The Rack”.

 It’s a rare thing when I find an old movie I never heard of. (Incidentally, that’s Anne Francis on the movie poster, not Wendell Corey; if you saw a picture of Wendell Corey you could probably tell the difference…) And correct me if I’m wrong but isn’t the exercise device on the right just a walker? This exercise “machine” sells for $125…

If you truly have fitness goals, lifting weights should be a part of your regimen. Naturally, you will need to store your weights when you are not using them. How about a rack?

 The name of this storage system tells you all you need to know about why the Medieval Rack was ever used.

Of course no search of mine would be complete without an inappropriate reference. (This is a picture I actually downloaded to my phone a few weeks back as a funny Avengers meme, but never got around to posting it on Facebook.)

 Having seen enough evil in his life, Hawkeye checks out a “nice” rack.

The Final Nordstrom Rack product is actually not final. I couldn’t decide which Nordstrom image fit the original concept better. So I mashed them together and you can decide. They are both pretty “dark” in the context.

 Phase Two

Me, ever being the malcontent, decided that one such endeavor was not enough. Surely I could come up with another brand that would lend itself to “fun”. I confess, at this point it was no longer about entertaining you, the reader; it was all about me.

Mongolian Barbeque was the first thing that popped into my head. It seemed like a natural to poke fun at Genghis Khan. I always assumed that BD’s was the only game in town. I was wrong and the internet delivered me a present I wasn’t expecting.

 That’s right folks. Genghis Khan has a restaurant chain named after him. I supposed we should expect Napoleon’s Bone-apart Rib Joint next. Or maybe Hitler’s Sauer Kraut Biergarten.

Right. THIS Genghis Khan.

If Sauron had him on his side, he wouldn't have needed Saruman or the Orcs to win...

Anyway, I plodded ahead to find what a barbeque might look like if Khan ran one.

“No, the other Khan!”

 “No! The other, other Khan!!”

 “Ahh, that’s better! Now THAT is a Mongolian Barbeque!”

Phase Three

My mind was awash with possibilities. My next victim ended up being Pizza Hut. That should be an easy one. As it turned out, I had a little trouble with this one. Somehow, my Google searches just didn’t want to cooperate. But after much perseverance, I finally found something suitable. Well, it was the only image of its kind that I was able to find and luckily, it suited the purpose quite well. I would have been screwed otherwise.

 Behold! A hut of pizza!

The original plan was to put the Pizza Hut logo next to the picture, so you would know what it was. Looking at it now I think it pretty much speaks for itself. But as I grabbed the logo, I noticed something about it. See if you can see it, too.

 Maybe it should be called Pizza Hat.

I should have known Carmen Sandiego would bring a host of memes with her. The best ones of course involved Waldo. And also the worst: there was one that proved yet again that Rule 34 still holds true. Here are a couple of clean ones.

 I hope they find happiness together wherever they end up.

One thing I did not know is that Pizza Hut is now into the shoe business. And have been for over a year. Obviously, the type of programming I normally watch doesn’t cater to that type of advertising (and you know I love advertising). That or I just put them out of my head as soon as I heard of them. Either way, I was surprised. I hope the shoes’ soles don’t influence the quality of the pizzas’ crusts. In addition to being able to order a pizza delivery using your shoes like last year’s model, this year’s will let you pause the game while you answer the door and pay for your pizza.

Next year they will open the door to let the delivery person bring your pizza directly to you. Plans are in the works for the year after to have the delivery person feed it to you. Pizza Hut is trying to trademark a living room toilet/recliner so you never have to get up at all.

Phase Four

My last thought (“thank goodness,” you say?) came to me after quite a few non-starters. Sadly, it was centered on a food chain again, but my brain was getting tired by this point.

 

Tim Horton Hears a Who:

 “Sorry, sir. We don’t serve Danishes.”
“I’m not Danish! I’m a Time Lord!”

Or:

 “No, really, this is a police emergency: I’m calling from a Police Box. We need a dozen jelly-filled donuts immediately!”

Or:

 “Why yes. I am a swinger. I’m swinging right now. Why do you ask?”

I just don’t know. The whole thing just became all timey-wimey.

Tim Horton hears The Who:

 “Who are you? Who? Who? ’Cause I really want to know”

“Who are you?”

“We are the Who.”

“Aww, is this some kinda ‘Who’s on first’ gag? I’m sorry I didn’t get it. Mr. Horton played hockey, not baseball.”

I couldn’t even decide which Who picture to use.

 “No, sir, ’Won’t get fooled again’.”

“Seriously, what’s your name?”

“Baba O’Riley”

And the devolution was complete. Who is Who? Maybe Dr. Seuss heard Tim Horton:

Maybe Dr. Seuss is THE Doctor!

So there it is: the process. What was once simple, became complex; what was once orderly became chaotic. We have moved from medieval torture devices to world conquerors, modest huts to elephants possibly suffering from auditory hallucinations. Along the way we touched on shopping, barbequing, getting lost, coffee and donuts, time travel, and legendary rock bands. We even saw some exercise and athletic shoes that are anti-athletic. We have experienced a lot of life here today. I hope you enjoyed your trip with me. Please come again. Watch your step as you exit.

Remember this while you’re hunting for your Easter eggs.

I was toying with a couple of titles for this entry, but none of them seemed very appropriate. (I have a long history of being inappropriate, so I want to be careful here.) “Jesus didn’t lay an Easter egg; He laid down so much more” and “Jesus wasn’t an April Fool” were a bit more disrespectful than I wanted to go here. Then I remembered, remembrance is at the core of the message. So naturally I found a meme.

With that out of the way, I turn to more serious thoughts.

Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. - John 15:13 

King James Version (KJV)

I have heard this Bible verse quoted thousands of times, in many different contexts. With this being Easter weekend, I thought I would use the opportunity to share my take on it since this post has been on my mind for a while now. Whether or not you are a believer, I hope you can get something out of it. 

Taken in its direct context, we have Jesus talking to his disciples shortly before his arrest and crucifixion. He is attempting to prepare them for what is about to happen. He is telling them he will soon be dead, sacrificing himself for the sake of the world. Of course the disciples are a thick-headed bunch—especially Peter (there must be something about that name)—and they aren’t quite getting it. 

We often speak of the ultimate sacrifice when it comes to our war heroes, and really anyone who dies in the line of duty, especially police and firefighters. And I honestly think Jesus would approve of the comparison; he often used real examples to illustrate the theological principles he was trying to teach. But don’t think that the concept of “laying down your life” stops at death. Well, it may *stop* there, but it doesn’t start there. I think Jesus was talking about a whole lot more.

We are in an era of multiple observances. This year Easter falls on All Fool’s Day, much to the delight of many activist atheists no doubt. But also Thursday was was not only Maundy Thursday (the night of the Last Supper, a celebration of Passover, when Jesus said, “Do this in remembrance of me.”), but also Vietnam Veterans Day. And that leads into the point of my musing. Laying down your life means purposely, and purposefully, giving it up. It refers to sacrifice. Not only in death, but in life. According to orthodox Christian theology, Christ left his eternal glory in heaven to come live among us, under the most humble of circumstances. He laid down the life he was living to become one of us, to save us from eternal death. The closest thing he got on earth to his life in heaven was an impromptu ticker tape parade (Palm Sunday) less than a week before he was executed.

Members of our armed forces in the same way, on perhaps a less cosmic scale, have given up their lives at home to protect our country. They have left their families behind so that the rest of us might live free. They put themselves in harms way, doing our dirty work for us so that we can go on with our more “normal” lives.

The Christian teaching is that in order for the crucifixion to work, with with Christ taking our sins upon himself, he had to live a sinless life. His act of being our substitute for the penalty of sin (death) could only be carried out if the life he led here was a perfect replacement for our imperfection. 

Our military, and our first responders as well, do the things we are unable—and perhaps unwilling—to do for ourselves: protect us, rescue us, and serve us during times that the normal rules of life vanish like puffs of smoke in the wind. 

The overriding point of the season—whether you are a Christian celebrating Easter, a Jew commemorating Passover, a Muslim observing Leilat al-Meiraj, or an Atheist who is free to believe whatever they want in America—is GRATITUDE for those to whom we owe debts we can never repay. 

Remember that this weekend if you’re going to remember anything at all.

Unplugging the router and rooting the clog

So last night I asked myself, “How many times will I have to hit the reset button on my life?” Is there a limit? I have had to start over more times than I care to count. It’s like being reincarnated without the benefit of dying first. Yes, I will grant that some of my do overs were undeserved; I got second chances that maybe I shouldn’t have gotten. And I am grateful for those. It’s the other ones that trouble me.

 

Last night I opted for pizza, which meant driving home past the place Toni died on the way to the hospital. (Yes, they revived her for a little while, but for me that was the end.) Every time I drive by takes me back to that gut-wrenching moment. The intensity varies but it’s always the same. Last night was not the worst, but it was worse than usual.

 

Then this happened. I got to come home to a present—I am assuming from Hercules; the neat placement and sheer scale makes me think so—that I needed to take care of. Now among Toni’s house rules there were two that are relevant here. One: that I take indoor floor stools outside and not flush them down the toilet. Two: that we never have a plunger in the house, because she didn’t want to ruin the bathroom esthetic. (Some of you are getting ahead of me here; just hold on.) I agreed with the stipulation that we get a snake.

 

Well, you know me. I’m on my own now and am trying new ways of doing things. I dumped the dump into the toilet—in phases to avoid a clog—and promptly clogged it up beyond all hope. Not wanting to deal with snaking the problem at the moment, I shut the lid and figured I would let things simmer. I quickly used Toni’s bathroom (which had been dormant all these months, to the point where all the water had evaporated out of the bowl), and got on to the evening business. Come this morning the blockage was holding fast. Nothing to do but use Toni’s bathroom again. But this time my stay was longer. I had plenty of time to look around and see a thousand little memories that I haven’t thought of in months. Her makeup, jewelry, shoes, all the knick-knacks I had gotten her over the years...it was kind of overwhelming. And after last night’s ride home...

So all is well now. I gave my toilet one last try before I got out the snake and amazingly it worked. I plugged my router back in after several days of no service, and it worked, too. I went to my job and I worked. Everything is back to normal. Almost. Still working on my latest reset. I wanna unplug. Or unclog. I’ll let you know how it turns out.