Here it is. The triple threat Sunday I have been looking forward to/dreading for a year now. It’s Easter. It’s April Fool’s Day. It’s the first anniversary of the worst day of my life. How do I feel? How should I feel? Do I feel?
Today we celebrate Christ coming back from the dead. I can’t say I did anything as dramatic, but I can say I have come back from the death of my one true love Toni. Although my return looks less like Jesus (on the left from Revelation Chapter 1) and more like the reanimated zombie (on the right). I have put most of my life on hold for the past year to give my feelings a chance to sort themselves out and function a lot on autopilot. I still have my optimism about the future, but not my zeal. I don’t feel sad today. In many ways it’s just another Sunday (you know, that day before Monday). The sun is shining and the birds are singing. Life (for some of us) still goes on. It’s like a cancellation effect: the good and beautiful are negating the bad and ugly, and I am somewhere in the middle.
One of the reasons I am even writing this post is because I believe you are expecting me to, although I think it’s more like you would be surprised if I didn’t write something; I’m not sitting here thinking you’re staring at your screens just waiting to hit your like button.
But I am also writing this to say something I have said many times before. One of the main reasons, if not THE main reason, I have made as much progress as I have is because of your very constant and very loving support. I don’t know where I would be without all of you out there, sending me your love, praying for me, encouraging me, and of course laughing (or pretending to laugh) at all my silly stuff.
Now will I wake up tomorrow and be all invigorated with the prospects of a life renewed? I doubt that. But even as I miss Toni as much today as when she first left me—left us—I have also gotten used to my life alone. To a point. Becoming accustomed to a new way of life is not the same as enjoying it. Moving forward, I will continue to repair myself and I hope you still take an active role in that. I will expect every day to be better than the last with a lot of setbacks mixed in. I will continue to update my progress with you. And I hope to be as good a friend to each of you as you have been to me.
Enjoy your holiday.
