My Gift to You

Finding yourself in that last minute crunch to find gifts for that hard to buy for person in your life? Here are some inspirations to help you along.

Do you have that one absolutely useless coworker that you have no idea what to get for the holidays? Walmart has the perfect passive-aggressive answer: The Useless Box.

When you flip the switch on, a finger comes out of the box and flips the switch off. And where you usually find items in a variety of sizes and colors, Walmart offers  a wide variety of prices for the same item, so buy the most expensive one to make them think you really care. I wouldn’t worry about the one star rating you see there; it was posted by Dontsupportbigbusiness on December 7, 2018, stating, “Not as discripted. Made in china but said it was from the USA.” in an obvious attempt at corporate sabotage by someone pretending to be a patriot but with a poor command of English grammar.

Nordstrom presented me with this ad of gifts for people you might actually care enough about to get more expensive items.

I must admit I was a bit alarmed by the extreme stiletto in the upper left corner until I clicked on the ad to find that it was actually a bottle of perfume. I can only hope that its scent is not that of a shoe. I am trying to think of anyone I know who would wear spike heels that is actually a “Good Girl”.

I also found the “Beanie” a curious item since the pom at the top is nearly as large as the hat itself. The item boasts the pom is genuine fox fur, which should have PETA screaming at their doorstep with buckets of faux blood, since the lopping off of foxtails might be considered animal cruelty, not to mention the picture at least makes it seem as though it comes from silver fox, which are quite rare in the wild but also raised in captivity for no other purpose. Perhaps they only shave the fur off the fox and painstakingly bind the individual hairs together to make the pom…

If you really are in the market for a pair of pumps and not just Eau de Shoe Sweat, Browns has what you need. At more than $2,000 you can hardly afford to pass them up.

 “These black Balenciaga Knife 110 Spike patent leather pumps have been designed with exacting detail in Italy, crafted from leather, feature a pointed toe, ankle strap fastening, a 110 stiletto heel height, silver tone hardware and spike metal embellishment. These knife heels may hurt more than just your bank balance, sweetie, because with these ones you could really stab someone in the back (you got to them first even though you knew your bestie liked them). We suggest you wear your Balenciaga Knife 110 Spike patent leather pumps on a first date in Chelsea.

“Balenciaga contains the words 'big' and 'bang' which is quite funny for according to The Browns' History of Everything, life began when Browns bought Balenciaga for the first time.”

You would think a boutique selling high end stuff like this could afford a webmaster that could at the very least get more than half the company name to show in the banner of your web page. Perhaps it is a subtle dodge because of some other ad that stated things were half off at Browns.

The remainder of this list is dedicated to geek items, since that is where my heart is, and if you are reading this you should be expecting that if you know anything about me at all. First up, some Batman paraphernalia.

The Bradford Exchange has a number of nice pieces. (There is also a Batman and Robin piece, but I’m uncomfortable with that relationship and have chosen not to include it here.) These would make lovely additions to any Batcave (some people call them Mancaves, but we really know what’s going on here, don’t we?)

I want to take this opportunity to encourage you to click on the images to see enlarged versions of them, not only so that you might appreciate some of the finer details better, but also to avoid misconstruing some of the content. In viewing the smaller image of Batman and Catwoman above, I wasn’t quite sure what I was looking at regarding the upward angled object near Batman’s crotch. I was very relieved to find out that it is actually Catwoman’s belt, but I had to view a larger version of the image to ascertain this.

Even at the tender age of 6, when Batman ruled the universe (well, my universe anyway), I would have pondered homicide to obtain this bed from Wayfair had they existed back then.

Product Overview

“Even superheroes need a comfy place to sleep and the DC Comics Batman Twin Platform Bed from Delta Children is just right for the caped crusader in your life. Designed to add sleek style to any Bat-cave, this kids’ twin bed features a headboard and foot-board adorned with the Bat logo, graphics of the Gotham City skyline and 3D appliqué of Batman’s silhouette. What makes this twin bed for kids even more super? It is constructed with a sturdy wood frame and upholstered in a faux leather fabric to create a cozy and secure sleep space for your little vigilante.”

Features

·         Holds up to 350 lbs [because he or she will still be using it when they are 30]

·         Constructed with wood and faux leather

·         Ultra-cool Batman graphics on the headboard and foot-board

·         Easy assembly

Product Details

·         Bed Size: Twin

·         Product Type: Standard Bed

·         Frame Material: Solid Wood

·         Box Spring Required: No

·         Box Spring Included: No (I’m glad they are not including an unnecessary box spring…)

·         Assembly Required: Yes

Walmart has an item that I myself would be glad to receive as a present.

I am trying to figure out what the switch actually does: does a finger pop out of somewhere only to turn the switch off? In any case, it’s cheaper than the cheapest version of the Useless Box, and much more stylish.

Displate is a company that caters (mostly) to geeks with an artistic flair. Know a nerd with some blank wall space in their mother’s basement? Look no further.

Basically they are posters on metal. What’s kind of cool is that—if true—they plant 10 trees for every item purchased. Most of the posters come in 3 sizes: Medium (17.7'' x 12.6'') starting at $44, Large (26.6'' x 18.9'') starting at $89, and Extra Large (35.4'' x 25.2'') starting at $149. There are also some larger composite offerings. Here are a few of my personal favorites.

Among the DC Comics collection is this group of superhuman women done in the style of pinup girls of the past. I like them because they effectively capture the retro feel, and are sexy without being overly sexualized like the comics of more recent vintage.

One of the more fun pieces was Size Does matter by Grant Shepley, which apparently at one time came in a striking negative version. 

Here is the clarified text:

1 RING BEARING HOBBIT: 3.5 feet tall & 75 lbs / 2 BILLIONAIRE HERO: 6 feet tall & 220 lbs / 3 SUPER HAIRY CO-PILOT: 7 feet tall & 350 lbs

4 ALIEN INSECTOID: 8 feet tall & 500 lbs / 5 ATOMIC PHYSICIST: 10 feet tall & 4,000 lbs / 6 TINY ARMED DINOSAUR: 18 feet tall & 14,000 lbs

7 TRANSFORMINING ROBOT/TRUCK: 23 feet tall & 40,000 lbs / 8 EMPIRE STATE CLIMBING APE: 27 feet tall & 25,000 lbs

9 MYTHICAL SEA CREATURE: 140 feet tall & 100,000 lbs / 10 TOKYO DESTROYING LIZARD: 150 feet tall & 500,000 lbs

A few of Shepley’s other works, including a few very clever visual puns (worth enlarging to figure them out, if you’re into that sort of thing…like me).

For the music lover, there are works by John Tibbott (The Sound of Silence) and Ricard Casillas (Love Music).

And for those who are passionate about their alcohol, Michael Richter has enough pieces from which to choose to suit any connoisseur.

 One of the more creative artists simply goes by the name of Saqman. A sampling of my favorites, but he has many more:

(Please don’t make me explain the visual pun presented in the last one…)

Before moving away from Displate, I wanted to show you the most expensive one I could find on their website.

At the edge of the world by Jakub Rozalski, 72.64" x 52.17" selling for $585.00.

Wish.com often has very interesting artwork for geeks (as well as all kinds of unique products of all other sorts), but I question the value of this one.

It looks great in the picture, and the artwork is very well done indeed. The trouble is (and the price is a dead giveaway) the size: 10 cm X 15 cm =3.94 inches X 5.91 inches and 20 cm X 30 cm = 7.87 inches  X 11.81 inches. That makes the “wall” of the art gallery in the picture only 2 feet tall, if we assume the larger version is on display. Kinda misleading. I also assume the $5 price tag is for the smaller version but didn’t check any further because of the disappointment. But I imagine that’s what being in love with Harley Quinn must be like. My guess is that if you want it to arrive by Christmas, the shipping cost would at least be double the price of the item. Just a guess, because again…disappointment prevented me from pursuing the relationship any further.

I cannot end this article without a quick stop at Sideshow Collectibles. 

Now if any of you have an extra $1100 lying around that you have no idea what to do with and were wondering what to get me, I have a suggestion (don’t make me click the “Drop a Hint” button or your inbox will be flooded with offers from now until…) Sure, she’s a DC Comics female knockoff of the Punisher (right  down to the origin story), but Frank Castle never looked like this.

If you don’t want to read the full description, here are the highlights:

Huntress

Limited Edition: 750 (Limit of one per person.)

$1,099 (From $123.63/mo with payment plan)

Est. Arrival: Spring 2020

Product Size: 32" H x 16.69" W x 14.60" D (812.8mm H x 423.93mm W x 370.84mm D)

Product Weight: 46.51 lbs (21.1 kg)

It seems incongruous to me, but a mere bust of Venom costs more than the Huntress sculpture. But I’m sure there’s a market for those who find him…attractive…?

(Seriously, can you imagine waking up in the middle of the night and having the Hulk, Deadpool (without his weirdo selfie friend), and/or Wolverine staring at you??)

The particulars:

Venom

Limited Edition

$1,195 (From $179.25/mo with payment plan)

Est. Arrival: Summer 2019

Product Size: 27.5" H x 16.5" W x 15" L (698.5mm H x 419.1mm W x 381mm L)

I have roasted the next item before on my Facebook page but it bears repeating here, especially now that there are two versions available for the avid collector for whom one is not enough. And I can prognosticate that more will become available over time since there are nearly as many versions of the armor as there are Avengers and X-Men combined.

8,000 bucks. Whew. With car payment size installments if you decide to go that route. And of course you would want to have it insured. I cannot imagine the depth of someone’s love for someone else to get this as a gift; it’s mind-boggling. I also do not know if I want to imagine the person who would buy one of these for themselves. A geek with that much money to blow? What else do they have in their possession? No, scratch that. I really don’t want to know.

Highlighted details for this pair (and yes they both light up):

Iron Man Mark 42 / Iron Man Mark III

Limited Time Offer

FREE U.S. Shipping [for $8,000 it’s the least they can do]

Life-Size Figure by Sideshow Collectibles

Prototype Shown

Limited Edition

$7,950 (From $715.50/mo with payment plan)

Est. Arrival: Winter 2018 / Est. Arrival: Spring 2019

Product Size: 84.625" H x 42.5" W x 42.5" L (2149.48mm H x 1079.5mm W x 1079.5mm L) [That’s right, folks: 7 feet tall!] / Product Size: 82.65" H x 42.5" W x 42.5" L (2099.31mm H x 1079.5mm W x 1079.5mm L) [Nearly 7 feet tall]

Product Weight: 137.00 lbs (62.14 kg) / Product Weight: 130.00 lbs (58.97 kg)*

Well, that brings up to the end of this little shopping trip. I hope it gave you some ideas.

Have the Happiest of Holidays!