I don't know how the rest of y'all's
Facebook friends' birthdays shake out, but August has had me tapping the word
"Happy" an awful lot this month, and we're not even halfway through
it. In fact--because I'm weird and look these things up--August wins the prize
for most birthdays. I have 283 Facebook friends, (I always feel like I have to
qualify "friends" with "Facebook" because I have
non-Facebook friends that I am extremely close to, friends who are on Facebook
that I haven't friended or vice-versa for whatever reason, and Facebook friends
I hardly know. Cyberspace and real life might overlap, but they are not the
same thing. Besides, this way I can pretend that I have just as many friends as
those of you who have thousands (!) of Facebook friends (how do you do that?),
I just can't prove it.)
 |
| (Damn, they’re so…white…) |
Some friendship networks are even more
complicated.
Of those 283 friends, 238 have
birthdays, so 45 of you don't have birthdays. (I'm going to go out on a limb
here and assume you just haven't published your birthdays and there's not some
kind of Immaculate Conception thing going on.)
 |
| Perfect! There’s one candle for every month. That way I won’t miss anyone. |
With this somewhat limited (but
EXTREMELY diverse [understatement] sample) I have been able to draw some
conclusions. Here is the birthday breakdown:
Birth
Month
|
Number
of Births
|
January
|
17
|
February
|
23
|
March
|
11
|
April
|
21
|
May
|
20
|
June
|
14
|
July
|
23
|
August
|
30
|
September
|
23
|
October
|
27
|
November
|
16
|
December
|
13
|
Now, it appears like there is a three
way tie for third place--which would have been really cool because when ranking
them they would have been in the same order whether I went Alphabetically or
Chronologically (my inner OCD nerd would have rejoiced)--but that is not the
case. When you factor in how many days there are in the given month, the
percentage of births changes things.
 |
| I really only do it to play with the different colored markers. |
Here's how that looks:
Birth
Month
|
Number
of Births
|
Number
of Days
|
Births per
Month %
|
Rank
|
August
|
30
|
31
|
97%
|
1
|
October
|
27
|
31
|
87%
|
2
|
February
|
23
|
28
|
82%
|
3
|
September
|
23
|
30
|
77%
|
4
|
July
|
23
|
31
|
74%
|
5
|
April
|
21
|
30
|
70%
|
6
|
May
|
20
|
31
|
65%
|
7
|
January
|
17
|
31
|
55%
|
8
|
November
|
16
|
30
|
53%
|
9
|
June
|
14
|
30
|
47%
|
10
|
December
|
13
|
31
|
42%
|
11
|
March
|
11
|
31
|
35%
|
12
|
That's right. August has 30 birthdays
out of 31 days. Almost one a day. Compared to poor March barely making it to 1
out of every 3. What's going on here? That's a pretty big spread.
 |
| "Let’s go for 100 next time!" (Percent or birthdays?) |
So--again, being me--I tried to spot a
consistent thread in this data. To do that, I had to turn back the calendar,
um, 9 months, give or take, depending on what part of the month you were born,
if you were early, if you were late, etc. So, yeah, it gets icky here because we
have to talk about your parents doing the nasty.
 |
| “Actually, all of the Friends were our sex-tuplets!” (Get it? Dad humor.) |
Here's what we get from that:
Rank
|
Conception
Month
|
Conception
Season
|
1
|
November
|
Autumn
|
2
|
January
|
Winter
|
3
|
May
|
Spring
|
4
|
December
|
Autumn-Winter
|
5
|
October
|
Autumn
|
6
|
July
|
Summer
|
7
|
August
|
Summer
|
8
|
April
|
Spring
|
9
|
February
|
Winter
|
10
|
September
|
Summer-Autumn
|
11
|
March
|
Winter-Spring
|
12
|
June
|
Spring-Summer
|
I included the season column because
that seemed to me to be one thing that might influence the outcomes. You know,
in the summer it's hot, you're more apt to be tired from working or playing
outside and so on. In the winter because it's cold outside and life is boring
inside...well you get the picture. I was wrong.
 |
Seems to me the old meanings of “hot and
bothered” and “frigid” have been reversed.
|
With my own theory shattered I looked to
see if there were any other trends. Here is what I found:
June, besides being at the bottom of the
barrel for hanky-panky in general, marks the deepest dip between months. There
is a 47% decrease from May-conceived births to June-conceived births, and
increase of 35% of July-conceived births over June-conceived births. On the
other side of things, July and August, resting in the middle of the pack,
showed the most consistency for red hot love making in consecutive months, with
only a 5% difference. My guess is August was trying to make up for June.
 |
| Otis Redding knew a thing or two. |
If you really want the numbers here they
are:
Rank
|
Conception
Month
|
Change from
Previous Month
|
1
|
July
|
35%
|
2
|
October
|
27%
|
3
|
May
|
27%
|
4
|
November
|
23%
|
5
|
April
|
13%
|
6
|
January
|
10%
|
7
|
August
|
-5%
|
8
|
March
|
-11%
|
9
|
September
|
-18%
|
10
|
December
|
-20%
|
11
|
February
|
-34%
|
12
|
June
|
-47%
|
So there’s really NOT a whole lot to be
learned from this exercise beyond the fact that some months are just more laden
with birthdays than others. And even that conclusion is suspect. Too many
factors come into play here, too many variables. We’re talking about different
birth years, different locations, different sex drives, and a shamefully small
sample. Every birth story is as unique as the person that results from it. I
guess that’s the real message here. It is pointless to compare ourselves to
anyone else. We are who we are. Our stories are different. I came into this
world with my own DNA and the events in my life that have happened to me since
and how I’ve reacted to them have made me who I am. It is a story that is
unique to me, just as yours is to you. Sure we may share common experiences,
but how I experience them and how you do, by definition cannot be the same. My
strengths and weaknesses are not the same as yours, and the intensity of the
experiences themselves are no doubt different simply because I am here and you
are there. We might be extremely similar, but we are not the same.
 |
| “I’m losing myself!” “No, you’re gaining another.” |
We may also be very different from one
another, but that doesn’t mean we don’t share some things. The human experience
is not so varied that that we cannot find some common ground. We all breathe,
we eat, we shit. And if August is any indication, a lot of us screw. We’re
human. That’s where we must start our self examination. Not by comparing
ourselves to others, but by understanding our own humanity. We are hardwired to
think anyone who is different is at least suspicious, if not a dangerous enemy.
It’s part of our survival instinct. But if we have aspirations to be civilized,
to be a society in which every succeeding generation is better off than the
last, we must rise above our baser instincts and offer the hand of friendship.
Otherwise we are no better off than the ants.
 |
| Scenes from “The Bridge to Terabithia” and Galaxy Quest”. |
If you don't mind bug videos, here ya go.
Yes. Ants are amazing, for
something so small and easy to squash under our feet unnoticed. But they do not
think independently. And they’re pretty much all the same. And being the same
is not who we are. We are meant to think independently. That’s part of our
survival instinct, too. And where individuality exists, differences exist. That
is ultimately the choice. Either we embrace the fact that we are diverse—and ought
to be—or we will succeed eventually in destroying ourselves, because in
striving to eliminate everyone that is different from us we will set up the
ultimate tournament bracket in which there can be only one.
 |
| “When they said ‘March Madness’, I thought they were talking about marching on Rome…or maybe the low number of March births.” |
It’s in our nature. Some of the most
vicious arguments I’ve witnessed, and sometimes participated in, are between
people who are in 99.9% agreement, but the .1% that separated them/us was the
one that was incendiary. Making a mountain out of an ant hill. We must rise above that or be
swallowed up by it. It would be the august thing to do, friend.
 |
| “Yes, but did you know 7 ate 9?” Escher’s dad. “Or was it 7 of 9?” |
 |
| It’s amazing what a little concealer and some extensions will do. But ain’t nothin’ gonna fix that attitude. |
I am fairly happy that most of you were
born. Happy as well that some of you actually take the time to read these
rambling musings of mine. I started to talk about how unique you all are and
got sidetracked by myself. Regardless of the date on the calendar, each of you
is you-nique. It doesn’t matter what month you were born in. Or what year. Or
where. Or what your circumstance. You are a one of a kind, and I choose to
celebrate you every day, not just once a year. I may not like what you do or
say sometimes and I’m sure the same can be said about me. But we are all
special. So enjoy your day, whether it’s your birthday or not. Have some cake.
Blow out some candles. Go and live your once in a lifetime life. Before Au-gust
of wind blows your candle out.
 |
| “Really? You’re going to end on a bad pun using revered cultural icons? Show a little respect, dude.” |
Sorry, it’s who I am.
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