It's been a while

I'm tired.
I'm tired of needing to sleep.
I'm tired of not being able to sleep.
I'm tired of waking up in pain in both body and soul.
I'm tired of needing to eat.
I'm tired of needing to work.
I'm tired of being bored.
I'm tired of not wanting to do something.
I'm tired of being alone.
I'm tired of not wanting anyone around.
I'm tired of the world we live in.
I'm tired of how stupid we're all acting.
I'm tired of living, but I don't want to die.
I'm tired of being tired.

As I sit here and put these words together, I am not any more morose or melancholy than any other day. You may know me as funny--or trying to be--or happy. And I am. At least the happy part. But every single day, I feel all the rest of the things I listed above, sometimes multiple times. I have been sharing my grief life as openly as possible with you. I am not always okay, and that's okay. I may not be okay at a deep level; I don't know but I suspect that it's true. I may never be okay again; also a possibility.

Am I writing this now because I just had a birthday and feel old? I don't think so. Am I doing it because I really feel "old" now? In other words, am I tired because I feel old? Perhaps. I certainly don't feel as young as I used to. Am I just feeling the effects of long term depressive episode brought on by a traumatic incident? Probably. Again, I don't know.

I do know that I said I would share the experience with you. But I'm not doing it for the attention or sympathy or as a plea for help. Not for this entry anyway. I do not want to have any comments made on this post; I will delete them. I cannot stop you from "liking" it (without blocking you, and I don't want to do that) and so I respectfully ask that you refrain from doing so. It may be unbelievably tempting, but please, just don't. Feel free to continue to do so with any of my other posts. Seeing your responses is a highlight of my day. Everyday. But this one is different. You need to know that everyday is a process.

If you have never experienced a close personal loss, maybe this will help you when that time comes. If you have, then you know and this can be a reminder. Life is unrelenting in it's forward movement. It goes on whether we try to withdraw from it or not. I am not withdrawing. Not entirely, anyway, and I am still optimistic that "things will turn around". Part of that, of course, is up to me. And part is letting things work themselves out. It's not easy, folks, but not much about life really is, is it? What I want you to know from this--the "takeaway" as it were--is that no matter how dark it gets for me (and hopefully for you), there is always that tiny part of me that says, "the night will fade away, as it always has every morning since the beginning of the world. Wait for it, the sun will rise, the dawn will gradually break, and darkness will flee as it always has."

Get through this life as best you can. There's still a lot in this world to be happy about and to marvel at. Enjoy what moments you can, and they will give you what you need when things aren't so great.

Just had to get that off my chest. Thanks for "listening". Have a great day.