My Gift to You

Finding yourself in that last minute crunch to find gifts for that hard to buy for person in your life? Here are some inspirations to help you along.

Do you have that one absolutely useless coworker that you have no idea what to get for the holidays? Walmart has the perfect passive-aggressive answer: The Useless Box.

When you flip the switch on, a finger comes out of the box and flips the switch off. And where you usually find items in a variety of sizes and colors, Walmart offers  a wide variety of prices for the same item, so buy the most expensive one to make them think you really care. I wouldn’t worry about the one star rating you see there; it was posted by Dontsupportbigbusiness on December 7, 2018, stating, “Not as discripted. Made in china but said it was from the USA.” in an obvious attempt at corporate sabotage by someone pretending to be a patriot but with a poor command of English grammar.

Nordstrom presented me with this ad of gifts for people you might actually care enough about to get more expensive items.

I must admit I was a bit alarmed by the extreme stiletto in the upper left corner until I clicked on the ad to find that it was actually a bottle of perfume. I can only hope that its scent is not that of a shoe. I am trying to think of anyone I know who would wear spike heels that is actually a “Good Girl”.

I also found the “Beanie” a curious item since the pom at the top is nearly as large as the hat itself. The item boasts the pom is genuine fox fur, which should have PETA screaming at their doorstep with buckets of faux blood, since the lopping off of foxtails might be considered animal cruelty, not to mention the picture at least makes it seem as though it comes from silver fox, which are quite rare in the wild but also raised in captivity for no other purpose. Perhaps they only shave the fur off the fox and painstakingly bind the individual hairs together to make the pom…

If you really are in the market for a pair of pumps and not just Eau de Shoe Sweat, Browns has what you need. At more than $2,000 you can hardly afford to pass them up.

 “These black Balenciaga Knife 110 Spike patent leather pumps have been designed with exacting detail in Italy, crafted from leather, feature a pointed toe, ankle strap fastening, a 110 stiletto heel height, silver tone hardware and spike metal embellishment. These knife heels may hurt more than just your bank balance, sweetie, because with these ones you could really stab someone in the back (you got to them first even though you knew your bestie liked them). We suggest you wear your Balenciaga Knife 110 Spike patent leather pumps on a first date in Chelsea.

“Balenciaga contains the words 'big' and 'bang' which is quite funny for according to The Browns' History of Everything, life began when Browns bought Balenciaga for the first time.”

You would think a boutique selling high end stuff like this could afford a webmaster that could at the very least get more than half the company name to show in the banner of your web page. Perhaps it is a subtle dodge because of some other ad that stated things were half off at Browns.

The remainder of this list is dedicated to geek items, since that is where my heart is, and if you are reading this you should be expecting that if you know anything about me at all. First up, some Batman paraphernalia.

The Bradford Exchange has a number of nice pieces. (There is also a Batman and Robin piece, but I’m uncomfortable with that relationship and have chosen not to include it here.) These would make lovely additions to any Batcave (some people call them Mancaves, but we really know what’s going on here, don’t we?)

I want to take this opportunity to encourage you to click on the images to see enlarged versions of them, not only so that you might appreciate some of the finer details better, but also to avoid misconstruing some of the content. In viewing the smaller image of Batman and Catwoman above, I wasn’t quite sure what I was looking at regarding the upward angled object near Batman’s crotch. I was very relieved to find out that it is actually Catwoman’s belt, but I had to view a larger version of the image to ascertain this.

Even at the tender age of 6, when Batman ruled the universe (well, my universe anyway), I would have pondered homicide to obtain this bed from Wayfair had they existed back then.

Product Overview

“Even superheroes need a comfy place to sleep and the DC Comics Batman Twin Platform Bed from Delta Children is just right for the caped crusader in your life. Designed to add sleek style to any Bat-cave, this kids’ twin bed features a headboard and foot-board adorned with the Bat logo, graphics of the Gotham City skyline and 3D appliqué of Batman’s silhouette. What makes this twin bed for kids even more super? It is constructed with a sturdy wood frame and upholstered in a faux leather fabric to create a cozy and secure sleep space for your little vigilante.”

Features

·         Holds up to 350 lbs [because he or she will still be using it when they are 30]

·         Constructed with wood and faux leather

·         Ultra-cool Batman graphics on the headboard and foot-board

·         Easy assembly

Product Details

·         Bed Size: Twin

·         Product Type: Standard Bed

·         Frame Material: Solid Wood

·         Box Spring Required: No

·         Box Spring Included: No (I’m glad they are not including an unnecessary box spring…)

·         Assembly Required: Yes

Walmart has an item that I myself would be glad to receive as a present.

I am trying to figure out what the switch actually does: does a finger pop out of somewhere only to turn the switch off? In any case, it’s cheaper than the cheapest version of the Useless Box, and much more stylish.

Displate is a company that caters (mostly) to geeks with an artistic flair. Know a nerd with some blank wall space in their mother’s basement? Look no further.

Basically they are posters on metal. What’s kind of cool is that—if true—they plant 10 trees for every item purchased. Most of the posters come in 3 sizes: Medium (17.7'' x 12.6'') starting at $44, Large (26.6'' x 18.9'') starting at $89, and Extra Large (35.4'' x 25.2'') starting at $149. There are also some larger composite offerings. Here are a few of my personal favorites.

Among the DC Comics collection is this group of superhuman women done in the style of pinup girls of the past. I like them because they effectively capture the retro feel, and are sexy without being overly sexualized like the comics of more recent vintage.

One of the more fun pieces was Size Does matter by Grant Shepley, which apparently at one time came in a striking negative version. 

Here is the clarified text:

1 RING BEARING HOBBIT: 3.5 feet tall & 75 lbs / 2 BILLIONAIRE HERO: 6 feet tall & 220 lbs / 3 SUPER HAIRY CO-PILOT: 7 feet tall & 350 lbs

4 ALIEN INSECTOID: 8 feet tall & 500 lbs / 5 ATOMIC PHYSICIST: 10 feet tall & 4,000 lbs / 6 TINY ARMED DINOSAUR: 18 feet tall & 14,000 lbs

7 TRANSFORMINING ROBOT/TRUCK: 23 feet tall & 40,000 lbs / 8 EMPIRE STATE CLIMBING APE: 27 feet tall & 25,000 lbs

9 MYTHICAL SEA CREATURE: 140 feet tall & 100,000 lbs / 10 TOKYO DESTROYING LIZARD: 150 feet tall & 500,000 lbs

A few of Shepley’s other works, including a few very clever visual puns (worth enlarging to figure them out, if you’re into that sort of thing…like me).

For the music lover, there are works by John Tibbott (The Sound of Silence) and Ricard Casillas (Love Music).

And for those who are passionate about their alcohol, Michael Richter has enough pieces from which to choose to suit any connoisseur.

 One of the more creative artists simply goes by the name of Saqman. A sampling of my favorites, but he has many more:

(Please don’t make me explain the visual pun presented in the last one…)

Before moving away from Displate, I wanted to show you the most expensive one I could find on their website.

At the edge of the world by Jakub Rozalski, 72.64" x 52.17" selling for $585.00.

Wish.com often has very interesting artwork for geeks (as well as all kinds of unique products of all other sorts), but I question the value of this one.

It looks great in the picture, and the artwork is very well done indeed. The trouble is (and the price is a dead giveaway) the size: 10 cm X 15 cm =3.94 inches X 5.91 inches and 20 cm X 30 cm = 7.87 inches  X 11.81 inches. That makes the “wall” of the art gallery in the picture only 2 feet tall, if we assume the larger version is on display. Kinda misleading. I also assume the $5 price tag is for the smaller version but didn’t check any further because of the disappointment. But I imagine that’s what being in love with Harley Quinn must be like. My guess is that if you want it to arrive by Christmas, the shipping cost would at least be double the price of the item. Just a guess, because again…disappointment prevented me from pursuing the relationship any further.

I cannot end this article without a quick stop at Sideshow Collectibles. 

Now if any of you have an extra $1100 lying around that you have no idea what to do with and were wondering what to get me, I have a suggestion (don’t make me click the “Drop a Hint” button or your inbox will be flooded with offers from now until…) Sure, she’s a DC Comics female knockoff of the Punisher (right  down to the origin story), but Frank Castle never looked like this.

If you don’t want to read the full description, here are the highlights:

Huntress

Limited Edition: 750 (Limit of one per person.)

$1,099 (From $123.63/mo with payment plan)

Est. Arrival: Spring 2020

Product Size: 32" H x 16.69" W x 14.60" D (812.8mm H x 423.93mm W x 370.84mm D)

Product Weight: 46.51 lbs (21.1 kg)

It seems incongruous to me, but a mere bust of Venom costs more than the Huntress sculpture. But I’m sure there’s a market for those who find him…attractive…?

(Seriously, can you imagine waking up in the middle of the night and having the Hulk, Deadpool (without his weirdo selfie friend), and/or Wolverine staring at you??)

The particulars:

Venom

Limited Edition

$1,195 (From $179.25/mo with payment plan)

Est. Arrival: Summer 2019

Product Size: 27.5" H x 16.5" W x 15" L (698.5mm H x 419.1mm W x 381mm L)

I have roasted the next item before on my Facebook page but it bears repeating here, especially now that there are two versions available for the avid collector for whom one is not enough. And I can prognosticate that more will become available over time since there are nearly as many versions of the armor as there are Avengers and X-Men combined.

8,000 bucks. Whew. With car payment size installments if you decide to go that route. And of course you would want to have it insured. I cannot imagine the depth of someone’s love for someone else to get this as a gift; it’s mind-boggling. I also do not know if I want to imagine the person who would buy one of these for themselves. A geek with that much money to blow? What else do they have in their possession? No, scratch that. I really don’t want to know.

Highlighted details for this pair (and yes they both light up):

Iron Man Mark 42 / Iron Man Mark III

Limited Time Offer

FREE U.S. Shipping [for $8,000 it’s the least they can do]

Life-Size Figure by Sideshow Collectibles

Prototype Shown

Limited Edition

$7,950 (From $715.50/mo with payment plan)

Est. Arrival: Winter 2018 / Est. Arrival: Spring 2019

Product Size: 84.625" H x 42.5" W x 42.5" L (2149.48mm H x 1079.5mm W x 1079.5mm L) [That’s right, folks: 7 feet tall!] / Product Size: 82.65" H x 42.5" W x 42.5" L (2099.31mm H x 1079.5mm W x 1079.5mm L) [Nearly 7 feet tall]

Product Weight: 137.00 lbs (62.14 kg) / Product Weight: 130.00 lbs (58.97 kg)*

Well, that brings up to the end of this little shopping trip. I hope it gave you some ideas.

Have the Happiest of Holidays!

Crawling under a rock and hopefully crawling back out

There is something that happens to some people when they lose their significant other, perhaps more for those who enjoyed many years together, or whose love was particularly fierce. When the one whom they considered their "soul mate" suddenly is no more, you can see the life go out of the survivor. Not immediately--although it does for some--but slowly, over time, you can watch them waste away. Pining, we call it. Some will self-medicate with alcohol or other drugs. Some simply withdraw into themselves. They become that cranky old person, or the even more frightening quiet one that merely stares right through you. We seen countless versions of it in movies. We hear that it happens, but what I never hear about it how it happens. I'd like to take a moment to explain.

Some of you may already know this. Some of you may actually be experiencing this without realizing that it's going on. To a few of you this might be an alien concept; in that case, let this be a cautionary tale for you to take to heart and bring to bear if and when the time ever comes when you need it.

When your beloved dies, your whole world is thrown upside down. Suddenly, a new perspective is thrown upon you unbidden. Your priorities change. What seemed important yesterday seems trivial today. Does it really matter if your socks match? Who really cares? And if they do, maybe they are the one with the problem and not you. That's how it starts. You see someone getting upset over the smallest thing, and you think to yourself, "You think you have problems?? My wife/husband/fiance/boyfriend/girlfriend/whoever just DIED!! What have you got to complain about? Someone accidentally bumped into you in the checkout line? Are you nuts? Lose someone you love and then come talk to me!" What happens is that the death (actually your grief over the death, but let's not split hairs) becomes the litmus test for every single social transaction we observe in life. Like I said, it can be a very slow process, but that is how it works. You hear about an argument, and you shake your head: if they only knew how unimportant that is. With the passage of time, more and more things are added to that list. Nothing can compare to the loss you feel. Until one day, you find out that everything else is trivial. All of it. It's all just noise and a waste of time. In the end, none of it matters.

And it applies to all aspects of life. Nothing is worth doing. Nothing is worth getting involved in. Nothing to get excited about. Nothing to care about. What's the point? This is when drinking and the drugs and the withdrawal kick in, or kick it up a notch. The less you have to engage the "real world" the better. Isolation and loneliness become your antidote to being alone and abandoned. (Hint: telling someone that whoever died "wouldn't want you to be like this" probably won't work because "whoever died" knows how much I loved them and they understand why I'm like this; you cannot expect a rational response where the deepest, rawest emotions are involved. If you don't know what to say, own it. Tell them you can't imagine their pain, and hug them if they'll have it. It will do much more for them.)

One of my favorite sayings used to be "Nothing is Trivial". I was a good, ready-made excuse for all the trivia I kept locked in my brain. Then, suddenly, that all changed. Everything became trivial. When someone close to you dies, your priorities are forced to change. You have to reevaluate everything that ever included that person and somehow figure out a way not to include them. In some cases the answer is a workaround, at least until a better way presents itself. Some things you have to relearn from the ground up, or learn for the first time if it was something the Other was primarily responsible for. And some things, you simply let go of--or stop doing because letting go is the one thing that's so hard. The trick is knowing which is which and when to stop. Reprioritizing is the natural response to your new world. You just need to remember that even though some things may be less important, it doesn't mean they are UNimportant. That's a huge difference.

I have traveled down this road, and the results are not pretty. The house is a mess, the yard is a wreck, I don't like going outside. I don't like going out in public. I would have loved to go to my 40th class reunion, but just...couldn't. It would have been wonderful to see everyone again. Thankfully--and this is why I have said it over and over again--I have you. You will never know--cannot possibly know--how important you have been to me during this period of grieving. I post on my blogs and my social media, and you respond with words of encouragement, and likes and loves and sad faces, when words are not enough or cannot be found. It all means something. Something wonderful for me. It means someone "out there" is listening and someone out there cares. About me.

Over the course of this summer of self-imposed seclusion I have been very fortunate to have a couple of true friends who check up on me daily. Just to make sure I'm still breathing. And I check up on them, too. Because that's what friends do.

I started therapy today, perhaps overdue, but you know me, I like to try doing things myself until I figure out I can't. I'm not in a bad place, but I haven't made any progress lately, and have lost a little ground here and there about some things while gaining ground in others. I already feel better just for having taken  a step. (Plus, it gets me out of the house, right?) Recovery is never easy and you shouldn't have to do it alone. So thank you all again for being there for me when I needed you. And especially you two, who have meant the world to me these past couple of months.

So now you all know how not to become a hermit. It's no way to live. And when you see or hear about some lonely old person, remember my words and don't become them. And maybe, just smile at them and say "Hi". That might be all it takes to bring them out of their shell.

What's up with August anyway?

I don't know how the rest of y'all's Facebook friends' birthdays shake out, but August has had me tapping the word "Happy" an awful lot this month, and we're not even halfway through it. In fact--because I'm weird and look these things up--August wins the prize for most birthdays. I have 283 Facebook friends, (I always feel like I have to qualify "friends" with "Facebook" because I have non-Facebook friends that I am extremely close to, friends who are on Facebook that I haven't friended or vice-versa for whatever reason, and Facebook friends I hardly know. Cyberspace and real life might overlap, but they are not the same thing. Besides, this way I can pretend that I have just as many friends as those of you who have thousands (!) of Facebook friends (how do you do that?), I just can't prove it.)

(Damn, they’re so…white…)

Some friendship networks are even more complicated.

http://friends.wikia.com/wiki/Relationships

Of those 283 friends, 238 have birthdays, so 45 of you don't have birthdays. (I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume you just haven't published your birthdays and there's not some kind of Immaculate Conception thing going on.)

Perfect! There’s one candle for every month. That way I won’t miss anyone.

With this somewhat limited (but EXTREMELY diverse [understatement] sample) I have been able to draw some conclusions. Here is the birthday breakdown:

Birth  Month	Number  of Births
January	17
February	23
March	11
April	21
May	20
June	14
July	23
August	30
September	23
October	27
November	16
December	13

Now, it appears like there is a three way tie for third place--which would have been really cool because when ranking them they would have been in the same order whether I went Alphabetically or Chronologically (my inner OCD nerd would have rejoiced)--but that is not the case. When you factor in how many days there are in the given month, the percentage of births changes things.

I really only do it to play with the different colored markers.

Here's how that looks:

Birth  Month	Number  of Births	Number  of Days	Births per  Month %	Rank
August	30	31	97%	1
October	27	31	87%	2
February	23	28	82%	3
September	23	30	77%	4
July	23	31	74%	5
April	21	30	70%	6
May	20	31	65%	7
January	17	31	55%	8
November	16	30	53%	9
June	14	30	47%	10
December	13	31	42%	11
March	11	31	35%	12

That's right. August has 30 birthdays out of 31 days. Almost one a day. Compared to poor March barely making it to 1 out of every 3. What's going on here? That's a pretty big spread.

"Let’s go for 100 next time!" (Percent or birthdays?)

So--again, being me--I tried to spot a consistent thread in this data. To do that, I had to turn back the calendar, um, 9 months, give or take, depending on what part of the month you were born, if you were early, if you were late, etc. So, yeah, it gets icky here because we have to talk about your parents doing the nasty.

“Actually, all of the Friends were our sex-tuplets!” (Get it? Dad humor.)

Here's what we get from that:

Rank	Conception  Month	Conception  Season
1	November	Autumn
2	January	Winter
3	May	Spring
4	December	Autumn-Winter
5	October	Autumn
6	July	Summer
7	August	Summer
8	April	Spring
9	February	Winter
10	September	Summer-Autumn
11	March	Winter-Spring
12	June	Spring-Summer

I included the season column because that seemed to me to be one thing that might influence the outcomes. You know, in the summer it's hot, you're more apt to be tired from working or playing outside and so on. In the winter because it's cold outside and life is boring inside...well you get the picture. I was wrong.

Seems to me the old meanings of “hot and bothered” and “frigid” have been reversed.

With my own theory shattered I looked to see if there were any other trends. Here is what I found:

June, besides being at the bottom of the barrel for hanky-panky in general, marks the deepest dip between months. There is a 47% decrease from May-conceived births to June-conceived births, and increase of 35% of July-conceived births over June-conceived births. On the other side of things, July and August, resting in the middle of the pack, showed the most consistency for red hot love making in consecutive months, with only a 5% difference. My guess is August was trying to make up for June.

Otis Redding knew a thing or two.

If you really want the numbers here they are:

Rank	Conception  Month	Change from  Previous Month
1	July	35%
2	October	27%
3	May	27%
4	November	23%
5	April	13%
6	January	10%
7	August	-5%
8	March	-11%
9	September	-18%
10	December	-20%
11	February	-34%
12	June	-47%

So there’s really NOT a whole lot to be learned from this exercise beyond the fact that some months are just more laden with birthdays than others. And even that conclusion is suspect. Too many factors come into play here, too many variables. We’re talking about different birth years, different locations, different sex drives, and a shamefully small sample. Every birth story is as unique as the person that results from it. I guess that’s the real message here. It is pointless to compare ourselves to anyone else. We are who we are. Our stories are different. I came into this world with my own DNA and the events in my life that have happened to me since and how I’ve reacted to them have made me who I am. It is a story that is unique to me, just as yours is to you. Sure we may share common experiences, but how I experience them and how you do, by definition cannot be the same. My strengths and weaknesses are not the same as yours, and the intensity of the experiences themselves are no doubt different simply because I am here and you are there. We might be extremely similar, but we are not the same.

“I’m losing myself!” “No, you’re gaining another.”

We may also be very different from one another, but that doesn’t mean we don’t share some things. The human experience is not so varied that that we cannot find some common ground. We all breathe, we eat, we shit. And if August is any indication, a lot of us screw. We’re human. That’s where we must start our self examination. Not by comparing ourselves to others, but by understanding our own humanity. We are hardwired to think anyone who is different is at least suspicious, if not a dangerous enemy. It’s part of our survival instinct. But if we have aspirations to be civilized, to be a society in which every succeeding generation is better off than the last, we must rise above our baser instincts and offer the hand of friendship. Otherwise we are no better off than the ants.

Scenes from “The Bridge to Terabithia” and Galaxy Quest”.

If you don't mind bug videos, here ya go.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lq1r7MHt8y8

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N0HoqjxfvJ4

Yes. Ants are amazing, for something so small and easy to squash under our feet unnoticed. But they do not think independently. And they’re pretty much all the same. And being the same is not who we are. We are meant to think independently. That’s part of our survival instinct, too. And where individuality exists, differences exist. That is ultimately the choice. Either we embrace the fact that we are diverse—and ought to be—or we will succeed eventually in destroying ourselves, because in striving to eliminate everyone that is different from us we will set up the ultimate tournament bracket in which there can be only one.

“When they said ‘March Madness’, I thought they were talking about marching on Rome…or maybe the low number of March births.”

It’s in our nature. Some of the most vicious arguments I’ve witnessed, and sometimes participated in, are between people who are in 99.9% agreement, but the .1% that separated them/us was the one that was incendiary. Making a mountain out of an ant hill. We must rise above that or be swallowed up by it. It would be the august thing to do, friend.

“Yes, but did you know 7 ate 9?” Escher’s dad. “Or was it 7 of 9?”

It’s amazing what a little concealer and some extensions will do. But ain’t nothin’ gonna fix that attitude.

I am fairly happy that most of you were born. Happy as well that some of you actually take the time to read these rambling musings of mine. I started to talk about how unique you all are and got sidetracked by myself. Regardless of the date on the calendar, each of you is you-nique. It doesn’t matter what month you were born in. Or what year. Or where. Or what your circumstance. You are a one of a kind, and I choose to celebrate you every day, not just once a year. I may not like what you do or say sometimes and I’m sure the same can be said about me. But we are all special. So enjoy your day, whether it’s your birthday or not. Have some cake. Blow out some candles. Go and live your once in a lifetime life. Before Au-gust of wind blows your candle out.

“Really? You’re going to end on a bad pun using revered cultural icons? Show a little respect, dude.”

Sorry, it’s who I am.